Inspired by random conversation with my friend
Someday, I was in deep conversation with my friend.
“Have you ever asked yourself about ‘what kind of life do you want to live’?” I asked. We both were in the kitchen. Just finished our lunch and talked about anything. About college, research project, friends, family, and then… life.
“Of course,” she said. “I often feel sorry for myself you know, because I don’t even know what I wanna do in my life. That question swirled in my head like a noisy bees. And, sometimes I just think to finish it all.”
“What did you mean about ‘finish it all’?”
She shruged, “Like dissapper from the world.”
“Hey, that is dangerous thought,” I said. I was little shocked actually, because I never thought that my friend — and I knew her as the one who was fun, passionate, and easy to laugh at the little things — had a hard time and depressed. Even though, I know that everyone have their seasons. We are not exception.
Life is like a series of seasons. There are time when you bright like the sun on middle of spring. At that time life is warm for you. And, there are time when you fall like leaves on the autumn. Sometimes, life becomes so cold as winter.
“Everyone have a problem of themselves. You are not alone.” I said wisely, but when I remember how I was a while ago, I feel ashemed with my self.
Played back the memories as songs which sucks in my head. I found I was on my bed for 24 hours everyday. I did not do anything, except eating and sleeping.. It was so hard for me to get out of bed. I did not want to see anyone and did not want to talk anything — even with my parents.
“I know,” she said. “But, I found myself not only as the one who has problem in her life, but also as the one who causes problem in other’s people lives. I always burdened my family. I am twenty two years old you know. And I don’t have anyjob. I Have not finished my study. I can’t give them what they want to get.”
I saw myself on screen in my head; when my parents asked me about ‘what exactly happened to me?’, I just did not say anything. I was quiet. Because, there was no any problem that I could explain to them. I did not have trouble with my friends. My scores were good enough — for the several subjects were high. And, I have a happy family. My parents always supproted me. Everything seems to be good.
The problem was: it was hard for me to answer that question; what I want to do in my life?
“So, what did your parents expect you are going to do?” I asked.
“They asked me to marry someone,” she said, then sipped her drink.
I was quiet for a moment. She has not finished her study yet, and her parents asked her to marry someone? It sounds like…
“That’s not complicated thing — I know,” she said. “That was a pretty simple request, wasn’t it? They just want me to marry someone they know well. And, I also know him well. We were friend in elementry school, by the way. We lived in the same neighborhood. Our family know each other. But…”
“I just… just can’t. Should I marry him just because my parents asked me to do so?”
I could not say anything.
“But, now, I think about what if I just marry him? Will they be happy? Maybe I won’t asked myself about ‘what kind of life I want to live’ anymore. Maybe I won’t no longer burden my family.”
I sighed. Stared in my empty bowl.
Guilt, regret, and disappointment, in the end will only be a haze that obstructs someone’s view about life. About themselves.
“And there is no more painful thing than when you have to choose a path, then you are lost in guilt.”
“I don’t think you chose the wrong path,” I said.
“Why?”
“Why do you feel sorry for something you don’t want to? If I could say, you understand yourself than anyone. Even your parents. You know what you want to do and what you do not want to do. And, you have made a decision for your life. I know, at our age, marriage becomes something that is interesting, but also becomes something that we afraid of.”
“When you marry someone,” I said, “you start a new chapter of your life. It is not a simple thing. It is not a simple request. There will be many changes in your life. Once you married someone, you are sharing everything: room, bank account — even the tears maybe. But, you know, marriage is more of resposibilty than the changes. If you do not prepare it well enough, it will be a huge effect on your life. Maybe on the other’s life, too.”
She sighed. Quiet.
I am not in her situation. I never in her position. But, I was at my lowest point in my life. When I thought that I was worthless. Then, I felt guilt and angry with myself.
“Hey, Mei,” I said. Meira raised her head and looked at my face.
I tried to say something… “You know yourself more than anyone.” Something like a message to my own self. “You did not chose the wrong path.”
She smiled.
Then we both left the table. Stepped into the sink.
“Please recommend me some books,” she said when we were washing plates and cups.
When she was asking me for recomendation, I remembered a book. Remembered a beautiful part in it.
‘…just remember that you have your own season, and your friends have it too. It’s not your time yet. But, it’s definitely coming your way. Maybe it seems too late, but just believe, when the time has came, you will blossom beautifully. So, head up and be prepare for your season. Remember, you are wonderful.’ [as cited in Little Orange World — Time of your life Rando Kim (Review)]
“How about ‘The Time of Your Life’ by Rando Kim?”
“Is it good?”
“Yeah! That’s my favorite.”
“I’ll read it then.”
Advice is not always important. When I knew that she was down, what I could do was recomending her a book.
Sometimes, books are the best advice for someone.
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I am sorry if I made some gramatical errors on my writing. If you have any comment and input for me, just let me know. I hope it will help me to improve my writing skills in english.
Thankyou for reading
